I don't want to go to Mars.

The texts have started to come in from friends checking in...waiting for news......"how you doing?"...."I'm so excited to meet Baby G soon!"..."Dude! You are SO close, how are you feeling?".....the count down it seems, is on.

And with a week and a half to go until my official due date, and the very real fact that pretty much any time could be go time, it's mind-blowingly on.

As I was replying to a text from my friend L, I started to liken how I was currently feeling, as having signed up for that one-way trip to Mars. 

And as that thought sank in - how very much and how quickly life as I knew it, this life, this selfish, comfortable, slow moving life, was about to change, change in permanent ways that while in my control, feel so desperately out of my control - I proceeded to have a wonderfully cathartic ugly cry that I realized has been brewing, and was so very much needed.

On Saturday, while A was off for a stag weekend, I was at a friend's BBQ that was starting to turn into one of those party kinda nights. While everyone else grew louder and tipsier, I decided it was getting late and I should make the trek home and into bed.

As I said my goodbyes, they felt like big goodbyes.  I realized that likely the next time I saw these friends, that it would be all be different.  That I would be different.  As I drove home, I thought about turning back around and staying until the wee hours, playing crazy made up games using garbage cans and hockey nets and enjoying what was left of this pre-baby version of me. 

But I was sensible. I didn't turn around. I went home,  went to bed and squashed all the sad, guilty, selfish feelings - telling myself it was all going to be fine. 

Ignoring the fact that I would be soon departing for Mars.

This life of mine, that's been all mine for 37 years is about to change in ways I can't even comprehend and I'm mourning that fact. I am scared for what is to come. I am sad at what I am losing. I am petrified that I will be filled with regrets. I am worried that these emotional toxins are poisoning this child - this child who has done nothing to deserve this selfish, fearful, doubting mum.